I cannot convince you to take off the mask if you're terrified that I might look you in the eyes.
Perhaps myself and my colleagues in 'fandom' adopt a risky social contract in our candor. I have, on some occasions, encountered significant oppression at the hands of those who decry being committed to an art. Others with similar admitted proclivities return my interest with validation. Rarely is the surface of the water still and uninterrupted.
Let's face it, nuts, the world is a deeply, hazardously disempowering space. From every angle we are shot with insidious messages to question our competence, to envy those who seem to have more than we, and to compete for a square foot of self-respect and privilege amongst a landscape of enforced contrition. You must shame yourself for your desires, your needs, your thoughts and feelings. You must shut your mouth lest you make folly of your self.
So we spend how many years of our lives in silence, or muffled whispers at best? We do as we are socially instructed-to stifle our need to scream out that we give a damn.
That makes me sad, I'll be honest. I grow increasingly weary of the rescission of our individuality and creativity. I have said it before, to play from the words of another beloved and long passed artist; I refuse to be created rather than creative. I will not recoil from the challenge of being genuine about those things into which I place great value. Perhaps it is an attempted act of unconditional self-love, although at times my fidelity to that self wavers.
I cannot promise to give you answers, or shield you from the slings and arrows that will be pitched at you by those who cannot or will not engage in perspective and self-examination. I often find I can barely offer myself solace. In the spirit of Voltaire I will, however, defend your right to use your voice whether or not I concur. Your mind is a vast space of unseen potential, may you never build walls around it. If you already have, I hope you'll find something that drives you to break them down to dust.
For any who may look upon our 'cause' and find it silly, useless or obsequious, I ask you this;
What is it that you are concealing in the name of shame?
c. P 2012
Wonderfully, poignantly, and precisely put, Paige.
ReplyDeleteI confess to shunning and shucking the term “fan” (as applied to myself) on most occasions due to the connotations, the sudden bombardment of images of fanatic worshippers making gods of men in some sort of modern-day golden cow scene (think The Ten Commandments), and losing sleep over some stranger in a foreign country, the next city, or just down the street. Much has been written about the obsessiveness of fans, the pros and cons of “being a fan” of someone or something. A friend of mine often reminds that the word “fan” is useless because one denotation is that a “fan” simply blows hot air around, hoping to give the illusion of making it cool. It’s motion without action (to paraphrase Ernest Hemingway). And (as Hemingway warned), “never mistake motion for action.”
Wise words in most situations, but I like to think that there’s more proactivity and engagement in being interested in someone or thing than simply making the motions. You have to have a vested interest when you’re a fan; it takes work. It means that you’re actively pursuing the object of your interest in order to continue fueling your own fires and passions, which are amplified by what it is you like (at least, that’s how it works for me; I’m sure it’s different for everyone).
My issue is not with concealing the objects of my interests but in simply using the term “fan.” The problem seems mostly the term and its connotations rather than its denotations. We’ve shaded the meaning into something misguided and hyperbolized far too often. I like the point about being creative rather than created, mentioned in the post above. Liking something or someone is part of our own personal processes of being creative in our self-creation (which is different than being created), just as much as is our family history or favorite foods or our tiny idiosyncratic quirks that give us personality.
Still, it’s hard to resist the attempts to bowdlerize a term like “fan” and replace it with “admirer” or “supporter,” which sound much more benign. Maybe I’ll make a step in the right direction, after years of shunning the connotatively-conjured evils of “fan,” to admit it here: yes, I’m a fan of many people, places, things, and experiences.
It’s like that portion of Sense & Sensibility where Elinor Dashwood admits that “I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him. That I…greatly *esteem* him…” and her younger sister Marianne questions, “‘Esteem him’ Like him?’ Use those insipid words again and I shall leave the room this instant!” The same goes with “fan”—like with that hard-to-say “love,” we talk around it out of fear of what others may think. Maybe it’s also a tip-toing around it out of fear of what we’ll be confessing to ourselves, too.
I am really glad to hear you owning those feelings about that term 'fan' and its genesis. I think sometimes we find ways to guise our truest vulnerabilities in fancier qualifiers, when all along, part of us just wants to be real about it in simple terms. I'm glad you explored that from both angles here, that takes bravery and self-awareness.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Paige!
ReplyDeleteI was literally working it all out as I typed that response, and I have your words to thank for catalyzing that sort of internal-reflection that just went on tonight. One small step for taking ownership of something AND hoping to dispell the myth that "fan" is not a derogatory or vulgar word!
Sometimes our best reflections happen in that moment of quiet challenge to our own self-imposed oppressions and expectations. Fans may blow hot air about, but they also filter it away. Just depends on what type of 'fans' we choose to be.
ReplyDelete"Fans may blow hot air about, but they also filter it away. Just depends on what type of 'fans' we choose to be."
ReplyDeleteWell-said!
I like to think every "fan" is unique in and of him-/herself (which is probably why I've resisted the generic term for so long). After all, each has his/her own reason for being attracted to someone or something, thus contributing an original, personal story about his/her connection. When all fans come together, though--that's really special. So many stories coalescing into a new story altogether.
It's what we have here. :-)
Ladies, I applaud each of you. Paige, for your post and Cris for your additional insights. You both very eloquently express what I cannot. I'm just not that good at expressing myself like that, so once again I have to say, "Ditto, ditto, ditto.
ReplyDeleteThank you again.
Innovative, intriguing and self-questioning.
ReplyDeleteI love! <3